Tuesday, December 20, 2005  

Couldn't help but laugh when i read this article about people commiting a range of crimes all over the world dressed as Santa.

Bad Santa's

I also couldn't help but think that the guys in New-Zealand and New-York are making a valid political point about the over comercial nature of Xmas every year. But then what do we excect i suppose; When people like myself believe the whole christian version of what happened at xmas is nothing more than a nice story - all we have left is the fat bastard in a red suit and presents!

I'm thinking of creating a new blog as this one is a bit out of date, and my web design skills are much better these days - feeling the need for a bit of a site re-design a perhaps a touch of flash ;)

See u'all soon - Have a great Xmas

Friday, February 11, 2005  

Thursday, March 25, 2004  

I decided i couldn't let it be a full year until i posted on here!! that would just be silly! I don't really have anything entertaining to show you as this is a kinda spur of the moment thing!

Since the last time we spoke my life has been a bit crazy as usual, i've moved house, crashed my car and brought a new one. I've been and love then dumped. I've been to the International Toyfair, I've Got broadband in my house and i've developed a severe addiction to Star Wars Galaxies online - its the best and most beautiful game i have ever had the pleasure to part of!

Now that i have an internet connection at home i suppose i have no excuse about not posting in her, so i'm goin to try to make more of an effort this year!

Anyway, this will do for nbow as evidence that i'm not dead and i'm still capable of typing, hopefully i'll be back with something a little more substatial next time!

Tuesday, August 19, 2003  

Reading Festival here i come............
The preperations are under way, my stuff's nearly gathered and i can almost smell the burning plastic!!
That special time of year has come, and i'm gonna be suitable wasted from Thursday morning onwards!!

See you there Mo Fo's!!

Thursday, July 31, 2003  

Sorry its been a while guys, but i've had some huge at work. The changes have meant i've moved office to somewhere 15 miles down the road, and i'm much busier at work. The good news is that i'm earning loads more money and now have a car and a Pc. Unfortunatly i still haven't got an Internet connection at my house but it is on my "To do list." As you may have realised i'm currently not exactly keeping to my "almost Daily" side to this site but i will be back and posting as soon as i can do it from the comfort of my own room.

Here are a couple of quality news stories i found this morning, i'll post the links as a sort of peace offering to all the readers who have been let down by my less than weekly posting!!

Speak soon hopefully!!

God of the Sky's
Stalin's plot to kill .....
The dog that was too loyal!

Thursday, July 17, 2003  

Sorry for the Lack of posts, i've been really busy at work switching between offices etc. Hopefully your not going to lose me for long sustained periods of time, but the posting might become a bit "random and Light!" Check out the ex-coolest road in the world!.........

A road in the US which shares its number with "The number of The Beast" is to be renamed.

US Route 666, which runs through New Mexico, Colorado and Utah, is to be known as Route 491 from the end of the month.

At a ceremony in the reservation town of Shiprock on July 30, the highway will be rededicated.

As part of the renaming event, residents will be offered mutton and bread and Navajo medicine men will chant traditional incantations, says the Los Angeles Times.

"They'll bless the new highway," said SU Mahesh, a spokesman for New Mexico's highway department. "And they'll cleanse the old one."

Highway officials named it Route 666 in 1926 to indicate it was the sixth spur off Route 66, the get-your-kicks highway later immortalised by Nat King Cole.

Tuesday, July 15, 2003  

I'd like to think that if i ever got this fraggled someone would stop me, or lock me in a bathroom or knock me out or something - Man needs his Penis (its not Edible!!) Read on.....

A Malaysian man sliced off his own penis, then fried and ate it after taking hallucinatory pills that caused him to hear voices urging him to mutilate himself.

The 34-year-old man claimed he only realised what he had done when he saw blood oozing from his crotch, said a police spokesman in the town of Sitiawan, 190 miles north of Kuala Lumpur.

The man had taken hallucinatory pills before sleeping on Friday and awoke hearing voices telling him to chop off his genitals and devour it.

He is now in a stable condition in hospital, the national news agency Bernama reported.

The man had recently been released from a drug rehabilitation centre.

Wednesday, July 09, 2003  

The CIA had an opening for an assassin. After all of the background checks, interviews, and testing were done there were three finalists.... Two men and one woman.

For the final test, the CIA agents took one of the men to a large metal door and handed him a gun. " We must know that you will follow your instructions, no matter what the circumstances. Inside of this room, you will find your wife sitting in a chair. Kill Her!" The man said, "You can't be serious, I could never shoot my wife". The agent said, "Then you're not the right man for the job".

The second man was given the same instructions. He took the gun and went into the room. All was quiet for about five minutes. Then the man came out and with tears in his eyes said "I tried, but I can't kill my wife". The agent said, "You don't have what it takes. Take your wife and go home".

Finally, it was the woman's turn. She was given the same instructions, to kill her husband. She took the gun and went into the room. Shots were heard, one after the other. They heard screaming, crashing, banging on the walls. Afer a few minutes, all was quiet. The door opened slowly and there stood the woman. She wiped the sweat from her brow, and said "This gun is loaded with blanks. I had to beat him to death with the chair".

Moral: women are evil. Don't mess with them.

Tuesday, July 08, 2003  

Hi guy's, i was thinking about my blog last night, and i realised my QOS (Quality Of Service) to you guys has really dropped in the last month or so. Its not affected my Share price! But its still not the Blog it used to be! Looking back over the last few month's there has not really been many post's where its just me waffling at you!!

So here i am talking to you just coz i can, and its more interesting to read this sort of stuff than Jokes and Quizzes! The good news is my new PC has arrived, and its sitting next to me in two huge boxes! Thats good news for you because it means i'll be able to spend much more time on my web pages, whilst i'm at home rather than ALT + TAB'in between the net and my 'Proper' work!

I brought my PC incase i get made redundant in the near future (which is really possible) Mainly because i think i'd go mad without access to a computer at least 2/3 times a week, and also coz i'll never be able to afford a computer whilst i'm/if i'm doing Temporary work between jobs.

One day in the near future the computer sitting next to me is going to earn me a lot of money, its just a matter of time before i come up with that one "good" idea! Untill then i'll be practicing my design skills by making more webpages etc!

Hopefully this won't have to be an (almost) Daily Blog for much longer, i'll be surfing at the weekends too.

Friday, July 04, 2003  

Bravely bold sir Robin,
Rode forth from Camelot,
He was not afraid to die,
Oh Brave Sir Robin,

He was not at all afraid to killed in nasty ways,
Brave, brave, brave, brave Sir Robin,
He was not in the least bit scared to be mashed into a pulp,
Or to have his eyes gouged out,
And his elbows broken,
To have his kneecaps split,
And his body burned away,
And his limbs all hacked and mangled, brave Sir Robin.

His head smashed in
and his heart cut out
and his liver removed
and his bowels unplugged
and his nostrils raped
and his bottom burned off
and his pe....

*Thats... that's er that's enough music for now lads*

Brave sir Robin ran away
*NO!*
Bravely ran away away
*I didn't!*
*When danger reared it's ugly head, he bravely turned his
tail *NO!* and fled
yes brave sir Robin turned about *I didn't!* and gallantly he chickened out
Bravely taking to *I never did!* his feet
He beat a very brave retreat *Ooh Lie!*
Bravest of the brave,
Sir Robin

Hopefully that little song needs no explaining!! Its from one of the best films of all time, created by a gang of some of the funniest men to ever walk this earth!!

Thursday, July 03, 2003  

This article follows on from yesterdays "How To Crap at Work." Below are listings of various types of crap an average person could expect to find upon closer consideration. How did you take yours this morning!?

GHOST CRAP: The kind where you feel the poopie come out, but there's no poopie in the toilet.
CLEAN CRAP: The kind where you poopie it out, see it in the toilet, but there is nothing on the toilet paper.
WET CRAP: The kind where you wipe your butt 50 times and it still feels unwiped, so you have to put some toilet paper between your butt and your underwear so you won't ruin them with stains.
SECOND WAVE CRAP: This happens when you're done poopie-ing and you've pulled your pants up to your knees, and you realize that you have to poopie some more.
POP-A VEIN-IN-YOUR-FOREHEAD CRAP: The kind where you strain so much to get it out, you practically have a stroke.
LINCOLN LOG CRAP: The kind of poopie that is so huge you're afraid to flush without first breaking it into little pieces with the toilet brush.
GASSY CRAP: It's so noisy, that everyone within earshot is giggling.
DRINKER'S CRAP: The kind of poopie you have the morning after a long night of drinking. It's most noticeable trait are the skid marks on the bottom of the toilet.
CORN CRAPE: Self explanatory.
GEE-I-WISH-I-COULD-JUST CRAP: The kind where you want to poopie but all you do is sit on the toilet and fart a few times.
SPINAL TAP CRAP: That's where it hurts so badly coming out, you'd swear it was leaving you sideways.
WET CHEEKS CRAP (The Power Dump): The kind that comes out so fast, your butt cheeks get splashed with water.
THE DANGLING CRAP: This poopie refuses to drop in the toilet even though you are done poopie-ing it. You just hope that a shake or two will cut it loose.
THE SURPRISE CRAP: You're not even at the toilet because you are sure you are about to fart, but *oops* --- a poopie!

Wednesday, July 02, 2003  

We've all been there but don't like to admit it. We've all kicked back in our cubicles and suddenly felt something brew down below. As much as we try to convince ourselves otherwise, the WORK POOP is inevitable. For those who hate pooping at work, following is the 2003 Survival Guide for taking a dump at work. Memorize these definitions and pooping at work will become a pure pleasure.

ESCAPEE.
Definition: a fart that slips out while taking a leak at the urinal or forcing a poop in a stall. This is usually accompanied by a sudden wave of panic embarrassment. This is similar to the hot flash you receive when passing an unseen police car and speeding. If you release an escapee, do not acknowledge it. Pretend it did not happen. If you are standing next to the farter in the urinal, pretend you did not hear it. No one likes an escapee, it is uncomfortable for all involved. Making a joke or laughing makes both parties feel uneasy.

JAILBREAK (Used in conjunction with ESCAPEE).
Definition: When forcing poop, several farts slip out at a machine gun pace. This is usually a side effect of diarrhea or a hangover. If this should happen, do not panic. Remain in the stall until everyone has left the bathroom so to spare everyone the awkwardness of what just occurred.

COURTESY FLUSH.
Definition: The act of flushing the toilet the instant the nose cone of the poop log hits the water and the poop is whisked away to an undisclosed location. This reduces the amount of air time the poop has to stink up the bathroom. This can help you avoid being caught doing the WALK OF SHAME.

WALK OF SHAME.
Definition: Walking from the stall, to the sink, to the door after you have just stunk up the bathroom. This can be a very uncomfortable moment if someone walks in and busts you. As with all farts, it is best to pretend that the smell does not exist. Can be avoided with the use of the COURTESY FLUSH.

OUT OF THE CLOSET POOPER. Definition: A colleague who poops at work and damn proud of it. You will often see an Out Of The Closet Pooper enter the bathroom with a newspaper or magazine under their arm. Always look around the office for the Out Of The Closet Pooper before entering the bathroom.

THE POOPING FRIENDS NETWORK (PFN).
Definition: A group of coworkers who band together to ensure emergency pooping goes off without incident. This group can help you to monitor the whereabouts of Out Of The Closet Poopers, and identify SAFE HAVENS.

SAFE HAVENS.
Definition: A seldom used bathroom somewhere in the building where you can least expect visitors. Try floors that are predominantly of the opposite sex. This will reduce the odds of a pooper of your sex entering the bathroom.

TURD BURGLAR:
Definition: A pooper who does not realize that you are in the stall and tries to force the door open. This is one of the most shocking and vulnerable moments that can occur when taking a dump at work. If this occurs, remain in the stall until the Turd Burglar leaves. This way you will avoid all uncomfortable eye contact.

CAMO-COUGH.
Definition: A phony cough that alerts all new entrants into the bathroom that you are in a stall. This can be used to cover-up a WATERMELON, or to alert potential Turd Burglars. Very effective when used in conjunction with an ASTAIRE.

ASTAIRE.
Definition: A subtle toe-tap that is used to alert potential Turd Burglars that you are occupying a stall. This will remove all doubt that the stall is occupied. If you hear an Astaire, leave the bathroom immediately so the pooper can poop in peace.

WATERMELON.
Definition: A turd that creates a loud splash when hitting the toilet water. This is also an embarrassing incident. If you feel a Watermelon coming on, create a diversion. See CAMO-COUGH.

HAVANA OMELET.
Definition: A load of diarrhea that creates a series of loud splashes in the toilet water. Often accompanied by an Escapee. Try using a Camo-Cough with an Astaire.

UNCLE TED.
Definition: A bathroom user who seems to linger around forever. Could spend extended lengths of time in front of the mirror or sitting on the pot. An Uncle Ted makes it difficult to relax while on the crapper, as you should always wait to drop your load when the bathroom is empty. This benefits you as well as the other bathroom attendees.

FLY BY.
Definition: The act of scouting out a bathroom before pooping. Walk in and check for other poopers. If there are others in the bathroom, leave and come back again. Be careful not to become a FREQUENT FLYER. People may become suspicious if they catch you constantly going into the bathroom.

I hope your all feeling enlightened, and hopefully with that advice Crapping at work and also in public will become a much more stress free affair!! Tomorrow i'll post the second half of the article.... "Everything you need to know about Crapping!"

Tuesday, July 01, 2003  

A blonde in the porno shop: She asks, "How much for the white dildo'?" He answers, "$35." She: "How much for the black one?" He: "$35 for the black one, $35 for the white one." She: "I think I'll take the black one. I've never had a black one before." She pays him, and off she goes.
A little bit later a black woman comes in and asks "How much for the black dildo'?" He: "$35." She: "How much for the white one?" He: "$35 for the white one, $35 for the black one." She: "Hmmm...I think I'll take the white one. I've never had a white one before..." She pays him, and off she goes.
About an hour later a young blonde woman comes in and asks, "How much are your dildos'?" He: "$35 for the white, $35 for the black." She: "Hmmmmm....how much is that silver one on the shelf?" He: "Well, that's a very special dildo...it'll cost you $165." She thinks for a moment and answers, "I'll take the silver one, I've never had a silver one before...." She pays him, and off she goes.
The guy's boss comes in and asks, "How did you do while I was gone?" To which the salesman responded, "I did really good, I sold one white dildo, one black dildo, and I sold your thermos for $165!"

Friday, June 27, 2003